We usually eat out once a week at a Dine In Family Restaurant. I expect there to be families with children of all ages and of course, a reasonable amount of noise. What I don’t expect is screaming and chaos. When you go out in public, there are other people there…the public. These people expect a certain level of behavior and decorum depending on the location and situation.

Some of what I have recently witnessed:

• Kids playing tag running around the table while the parents ate dinner.
• Kids playing in the aisle and tripping up servers with trays full of food…and then the parents yelling at the server for not being careful!
• Toddlers roaming from table to table at Applebee’s while their parents watched from their table.
• Kids standing on the benches of booths and hitting the diners behind them in the head.
• Parents yelling across the table to be heard over their uncontrolled children.
• Tables covered in toys that no one bothers to move when the server brings the food.
• Kids of all ages having meltdowns and tantrums with no one removing the child from the restaurant.

Basic Restaurant Manners:

• When at a restaurant everyone should remain seated, except when leaving for a trip to the rest room. The aisles need to be left clear so that the servers can do their jobs safely and efficiently.
• Everyone should speak using their inside voice. No one else needs to know your family issues or the latest gossip.
• Toys should leave the table when the food is served. The server needs space to put all the plates! (there shouldn’t be toys at the table anyways)
• Remove a child who is having a melt down. Be courteous to those around you.

I know tantrums and meltdown happen occasionally, but when you are in a restaurant think of the other diners. I remember one night when my oldest was a baby. We were out at a fancy restaurant celebrating my father-in-law’s birthday. Shortly after we arrived at the restaurant Aaron started crying like crazy. I took him to the bathroom and checked his diaper, everything was clean, he had already been fed but nothing would calm him. I didn’t want to disturb the other diners so I look Aaron outside. I walked him back and forth outside the restaurant, it was the only thing that would calm him down. When my husband finished eating, he came out and relieved me so I could go eat. It wasn’t the ideal situation but we were courteous to the other diners and we both got to eat a delicious meal.

No child instinctively knows how to behave at the table. This training begins as soon as the highchair is added to family meal time. Children who are trained not to throw food or utensils, to keep their hands in their lap when they aren’t eating, how to ask for food to be passed to them, how to sit for the duration of the meal and how to ask to be excused when the meal is finished are well on their way to being allowed to dine outside of the home. The majority of the training must happen at home. Yes, I know this takes time and patience but that is what parenting is all about. Once a child has learned how to behave in a restaurant, they still need to be reminded. When we parked our car at a restaurant I always reminded the boys, “Don’t forget your restaurant manners.” before we headed inside. If someone got too noisy or rowdy I usually just had to ask, “Did you forget your restaurant manners?” and that child would apologize and ask for forgiveness and the meal would continue. Also, when they are doing well during the meal, praise them. let them know, “I appreciate that you are using your inside voice.” “Great job using your restaurant manners.” or whatever positive behavior that they are exhibiting. Lastly on the way home, or when you get home, review the positives and negatives of the meal. Tell them what they did well and what needs to be improved. Just like us, they want to know what is expected of them, if they met those expectations and what they can do to improve

The Takeaways

1. Train your child at home.
2. When arriving at the restaurant, remind the children of what kind of behavior is expected, and what to expect at this particular restaurant.
3. During the meal-praise them for good behavior and actively correct wrong behavior.
4. Debrief on the way home. Praise them for their successes and remind them of what needed to be corrected.
5. Children need training, correction, and praise, with consistency, children will learn to behave in any situation and become respectful little people.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this parenting issue. I know there are lots of parenting philosophies out there but in the end our job is to raise respectful and responsible citizens.

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We have taught our children these things for years, especially before we took them on our 1st family cruise a few years ago. Taking a 10 and 12 year old to the formal dining room of a cruise ship could have been a scary thing to do if we hadn’t already practiced at home.

Etiquette Camp is hosted by Patricia Rossi. Patricia is “America’s Etiquette ‘Go-To’ Expert”.  She has been seen on CBS, Fox and she does the ‘One Minute Manners’ segments for NBC’s Daytime.

For more information about Etiquette Camp or any of Patricia’s etiquette or protocol classes click on the links above.

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• Talk with and listen to your children every day. This sounds simple but with our busy lives it isn’t always as easy as it seems. Carving out a few minutes every day to focus on each child and what is going on in their life has multiple benefits. Learning about their social relationships in school, on the playground, walking to and from school, in after school programs etc. helps your child know you are interested in their lives and you care what happens to them. These daily talks keep open the lines of communication so that you can on occasion steer the conversation to the topic of bullies and what to do if they see someone being bullied, if they are being bullied or if they are a bully. More than half of the children who are victims of bullying don’t tell their parent’s because they don’t feel comfortable talking to them! That is a tragic statistic.

• Teach your child to be polite and respectful of other people and their belongings. Good manners are important everywhere. Many researchers believe that when students are taught to be respectful of others, even if they are different, the incidents of bullying decrease.

• Set a positive example for your children. Your manner of speaking and tone of voice greatly influence your child. When you are at a restaurant and the waiter brings you the wrong food do you calmly explain the problem to the waiter or do you belittle him? When you are out shopping and you see someone who looks or dresses different from you do you make some rude comment or just go on with what you are doing? Unfortunately, often times bullying behaviors and attitudes are learned from parents or caregivers.

• Volunteer at Your Child’s School. If you can volunteer even an hour a week at your child’s school you will be able to gain insight into the atmosphere of the school. Parents who only go to their child’s school for parent’s night don’t get the true feel of the school’s atmosphere. If you are able to volunteer during recess time that is even better. Statistics show that 2/3 of bullying at school happens during unstructured times such as lunch and recess when there are fewer adults overseeing a larger number of children.

• Visit your child at school during lunch time and recess time. If you can’t volunteer then at least visit regularly. Most schools in our area allow parents to come and eat lunch with their children once a week. See if your employer will let you take your lunch break so it coincides with your child’s. You need to witness first hand the social interactions of your children.

• Explain to your child the difference between tattling and reporting. This can be difficult, especially in young children. Tattling is often gossipy and the truth is sometimes embellished so that someone else gets in trouble. Reporting is stating the facts to an adult about someone who has been victimized.

Bullying is not a normal part of growing up. Do not accept as normal behavior. Be proactive and help your child be safe and protected.
To link to the previous post in this series What is Bullying?

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