Cyber bullying is when a minor is tormented, threatened, harassed, humiliated, embarrassed or otherwise targeted by another minor using the Internet, digital technology or cell phone. Legally once adults are involved on either side-it is no longer cyber bullying. Cyber bullying takes many forms such as IMs and text messages, blogs and websites, pictures shared via camera phones, polls, sharing malicious code, stealing passwords and impersonation. Because cyber bullying doesn’t take place in person weaker and younger kids are involved. Most cyber bullies do not fit your typical bully profile.

Cyber bullying starts as early as 2nd grade and usually peaks in middle school. Statistics show that 58% of 4th-8th graders who have cell phones or Internet have been cyber bullyng victims. Also 53% of them have said or shared things that qualify them as being cyber bullies themselves. Kids who are texting and IMing at young ages seem to accept this behavior as normal, because “everyone is doing it”. Many have been on both sides of the offense at such an early age it has become almost acceptable. For teens the statistics are slightly lower 40% of all teens say they have been cyber bullying victims.

One of the most prevalent and seemingly innocent form of cyber bullying is polls. They come via text message, IM and e-mail; I have seen them, my son has had them forwarded to him. They say things like Do you think (insert name here) is fat or ugly or whatever? Then press 1 for yes and 2 for no and forward this to 10 of your friends. Eventually it gets back to the person that is being talked about and they are hurt by what has been said about them.

Sending and/or forwarding IMs, texts and e-mails that speak maliciously about another person is a form of cyber bullying. Writing mean, angy, untrue, gossipy blog posts is cyber bullying. Spreading lies about someone via any electronic medium is cyber bullying. This is where our incident has come to. It started a few weeks ago-I was actually made aware of it by another mom whose daughter wasn’t comfortable about what she had read about my son. (Yay for her!) The mom called me and I spoke to my son. In a nutshell a 6th grade girl has decided she can’t live without my 11th grade son about what was said. His response was-You know she is annoying, It will go away, and I’ll block her on my cell phone and IMs. Because he has refused to “acknowledge her love for him”, she is spreading vicious rumors about his character through the church youth group. The other day I get a call from our youth pastor’s wife informing me that another girl mentioned to her what was being said about my son, (Yay for her!) and wanted to make sure I knew. Ugh! The drama. I will now be contacting the girl’s mother to discuss the problem. Fun, fun.

Anyway, other form of cyber bulling are spreading compromising photos-often taken in school bathrooms and locker rooms with camera phones, forwarding malicious code and viruses, stealing passwords and trashing the victims web page/blog/social media profile and impersonating the victim. This makes the victim look like the perpetrator as they say/do mean things about yet another victim.

Preventing cyber bulling is a lot like preventing other bullying. Make sure you have open communication with your children. Occasionally check your child’s text messages, IMs and online profiles-my kids are not allowed on MySpace or Facebook. They are on FaithFreaks.com and so am I. I can and do monitor their IMs and chats. They know I am doing it for their protection and they also know that if they don’t allow me to monitor one of their accounts-they lose all Internet/texting privileges. Keep all family computers in open places so that you can see what they are doing at any given time. Teach your child to respect others so that they won’t want to hurt others. In extreme cases of cyber bullying you can lose your ISP and IM account if you are reported too many times-make sure your kids know this.

The National Crime Prevention Slogan for cyber bullying is “Delete Cyber Bullying-Don’t Write It-Don’t Forward It!” Teach your child that when/if they read or hear something that was written about them instead of attacking back-take 5, breathe deep and walk away. Don’t attack back. If your child see’s a friend being attacked remind them that remaining silent when others are being hurt is not acceptable. Tell an adult.

The keys to stopping cyber bullying are BRR.

• Block people who send/forward mean messages
• Refuse to forward messages (bad things won’t happen if you don’t send it to 10 people in the next 5 minutes)
• Report people who cyber bully to adults/teachers etc

Parents, please educate your kids and monitor their online and text messaging behavior. It is not a violation of their freedom, it is your responsibility as a parent to raise respectable kids.

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Parents, your primary job is to listen. If at all possible, record your child telling his account the first time he tells it to you. I have a friend who does guardian ad-litem work and she has told me that in many states a child is only allowed to tell their story 3 times. After the third time the legal system feels a child’s story could be embellished by input received from parents, teachers etc. Even if you don’t think this will become a legal matter it is in your child’s best interest to record their story-especially if there has been physical harm. Listen to your child’s complete story and gather the facts. Try not to interrupt them while they are sharing and take what they are telling you seriously. If the incident took place on school grounds you need to notify the principal and if it happened on the way to or from school the bully’s parents need to be informed. Most schools have a zero bullying policy and that policy outlines the steps that are taken to resolve the problem.

Once a child has been bullied, he often doesn’t want to return to the place where it happened. Here are some tips to teach your child so he knows what to do to lessen the chances of being bullied.

• Tell an adult you trust. A parent, teacher, coach etc. If you’re afraid to talk to an adult-take a friend with you.
• Stay in a group. Bullies don’t usually attack a group of people. Never walk to or from school alone. Play with others on the playground. Don’t be alone.
• If a bully confronts you-walk away and act confident. Even if you are feeling scared walk tall with your head up. Bullies are less likely to bother confident kids.
• Hold your anger. No matter what the bully says or does, hold your anger.
• Don’t get physical. Avoid fighting at all costs.
• Avoid places where bullying happens-an out of the way corner of the playground, an empty lot, a stairwell.
• If you ride the school bus-sit near the driver.
• Make sure you’re not alone in the school bathroom or locker room.

Unfortunately, no matter how your child responds, they may still be a victim of bullying. Be there for your child, this isn’t the kind of thing they get over right away. They need your love and assurance as they deal with what they have been through. Make sure you are active in the school and keep tabs on what steps are being taken to assure the safety of your child and every child in that school. Dealing with bullying is one of the hard situations many parents have to deal with. Remember that healing your child’s emotions begins when you truly listen to and support your child.

There are two more installments in this series on bullies: What to Do if Your Child is a Bully and Cyberbullying.

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Sometimes as parents, we aren’t sure if our child is being bullied or if it is just kids being kids. A basic definition of bullying states, “Bullying is the use of one’s strength or status to intimidate, injure or humiliate another person of lesser status.” Bullying falls into three categories of behaviors; physical, verbal and social. Physical bullying includes hitting, kicking, any activity that is a physical assault or the threat of physical violence. Verbal bullying includes, name calling, insulting, or teasing. Social bullying includes peer rejection, exclusion to isolate or humiliate the victim, gossiping about the victim, and making prejudice comments. A bully’s acts are usually intentional and often repeated.

Who bullies? People who bully often have domineering and controlling personalities. They are quick to anger and usually have low self-esteem. Both boys and girls can be bullies. People who bully often have a need to dominate another person.

Continued bullying can have long-term effects on both the bully and the victim. 60% of young men who were bullies in middle school had at least one criminal conviction by the age of 24. We must put and end to this trend. Children who are victims of bullying may see their grades slack off, begin self-injurious behavior and even commit suicide. On any given school day in the United States 160,000 children stay home from school because they fear bullies.

Later in this series we will discuss a proactive approach to bullying, what to do if your child is being bullied, and what to do if your child is a bully. This is a serious topic and it needs to be addressed. I want to thank @polkadotpatch on twitter for suggesting I write about bullying.

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