Cyber bullying is when a minor is tormented, threatened, harassed, humiliated, embarrassed or otherwise targeted by another minor using the Internet, digital technology or cell phone. Legally once adults are involved on either side-it is no longer cyber bullying. Cyber bullying takes many forms such as IMs and text messages, blogs and websites, pictures shared via camera phones, polls, sharing malicious code, stealing passwords and impersonation. Because cyber bullying doesn’t take place in person weaker and younger kids are involved. Most cyber bullies do not fit your typical bully profile.

Cyber bullying starts as early as 2nd grade and usually peaks in middle school. Statistics show that 58% of 4th-8th graders who have cell phones or Internet have been cyber bullyng victims. Also 53% of them have said or shared things that qualify them as being cyber bullies themselves. Kids who are texting and IMing at young ages seem to accept this behavior as normal, because “everyone is doing it”. Many have been on both sides of the offense at such an early age it has become almost acceptable. For teens the statistics are slightly lower 40% of all teens say they have been cyber bullying victims.

One of the most prevalent and seemingly innocent form of cyber bullying is polls. They come via text message, IM and e-mail; I have seen them, my son has had them forwarded to him. They say things like Do you think (insert name here) is fat or ugly or whatever? Then press 1 for yes and 2 for no and forward this to 10 of your friends. Eventually it gets back to the person that is being talked about and they are hurt by what has been said about them.

Sending and/or forwarding IMs, texts and e-mails that speak maliciously about another person is a form of cyber bullying. Writing mean, angy, untrue, gossipy blog posts is cyber bullying. Spreading lies about someone via any electronic medium is cyber bullying. This is where our incident has come to. It started a few weeks ago-I was actually made aware of it by another mom whose daughter wasn’t comfortable about what she had read about my son. (Yay for her!) The mom called me and I spoke to my son. In a nutshell a 6th grade girl has decided she can’t live without my 11th grade son about what was said. His response was-You know she is annoying, It will go away, and I’ll block her on my cell phone and IMs. Because he has refused to “acknowledge her love for him”, she is spreading vicious rumors about his character through the church youth group. The other day I get a call from our youth pastor’s wife informing me that another girl mentioned to her what was being said about my son, (Yay for her!) and wanted to make sure I knew. Ugh! The drama. I will now be contacting the girl’s mother to discuss the problem. Fun, fun.

Anyway, other form of cyber bulling are spreading compromising photos-often taken in school bathrooms and locker rooms with camera phones, forwarding malicious code and viruses, stealing passwords and trashing the victims web page/blog/social media profile and impersonating the victim. This makes the victim look like the perpetrator as they say/do mean things about yet another victim.

Preventing cyber bulling is a lot like preventing other bullying. Make sure you have open communication with your children. Occasionally check your child’s text messages, IMs and online profiles-my kids are not allowed on MySpace or Facebook. They are on FaithFreaks.com and so am I. I can and do monitor their IMs and chats. They know I am doing it for their protection and they also know that if they don’t allow me to monitor one of their accounts-they lose all Internet/texting privileges. Keep all family computers in open places so that you can see what they are doing at any given time. Teach your child to respect others so that they won’t want to hurt others. In extreme cases of cyber bullying you can lose your ISP and IM account if you are reported too many times-make sure your kids know this.

The National Crime Prevention Slogan for cyber bullying is “Delete Cyber Bullying-Don’t Write It-Don’t Forward It!” Teach your child that when/if they read or hear something that was written about them instead of attacking back-take 5, breathe deep and walk away. Don’t attack back. If your child see’s a friend being attacked remind them that remaining silent when others are being hurt is not acceptable. Tell an adult.

The keys to stopping cyber bullying are BRR.

• Block people who send/forward mean messages
• Refuse to forward messages (bad things won’t happen if you don’t send it to 10 people in the next 5 minutes)
• Report people who cyber bully to adults/teachers etc

Parents, please educate your kids and monitor their online and text messaging behavior. It is not a violation of their freedom, it is your responsibility as a parent to raise respectable kids.

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That is the pivotal question-How do you respond? For most of us instinct kicks in and we want to start the “Not my kid-your kid must have provoked him.” defense. That is definitely not what should happen. Before you enter the school-take some deep breaths and remember that what is important here is helping your child not keeping your mommy reputation intact. Some basic tips on what to do during this meeting are:

• Don’t immediately go on the defensive
• Listen carefully to what is said about the incident by the principal, the victim and your child. Restate what you have heard to make sure you understand the details.
• Calmly discuss the situation with all involved.
• Ask the principal what the school policy requires the punishment/reaction to be (most schools have a zero tolerance bullying policy in place-sometimes even just one incidence of bullying can lead to suspension).
• Assure the principal that you take bullying very seriously and that you will deal with it at home and be in contact with the principal.

As the two of you head to your car, keep breathing deeply. This is when it gets very hard you want to either cry or lash out at your child but this is not the time or place. It is often best to be silent in the car and let the child process what he has just witnessed in the school office. Assuming your child is guilty and has confessed to the bullying there are action steps that need to take place.

• Discuss/explain that bullying is not acceptable behavior.
• There must be an apology and restitution should be made. If something was ripped or broken during the incident it must be replaced-at the child’s expense. Otherwise the child should be required to do something for the victim. You may need to work with the victim’s parents on this one.
• Show respect to the school officials and accept whatever punishment is handed down from the school. One major lesson that bullies need to learn is respect of others and their property. You need to model that behavior by respecting the school and its leaders.
• Specify concrete consequences for bullying. Be firm and consistent in your discipline. Follow through with whatever punishment you hand down.

Now that the immediate response is over, take a break. Let your child go to their room and you do something relaxing so you can both get your perspective back on the big picture. I will not blame all bullying on how a parent does there job as a parent but…if a child bullies-there are some major character flaws that need to be fixed. Our children need to be taught empathy, respect and compassion. We need to model these traits in our daily lives and we need to reward good behavior-especially in areas our child is lacking-but growing in.

We also need to examine the atmosphere in our home. Are negative speech and put-downs allowed? Is there a lot of violence on the television and video games that our children view? Do we value each person in our family or are some seen as “less important” than others? The social atmosphere in our home, school, church and civic groups help to form who our child becomes and how they behave in social situations. As parents, on of our jobs is to train our children so that they know how to behave and react when they are with other people. This training is the parent’s responsibility not the school’s or even the church’s.

• Teach and model acceptable ways to reduce stress, frustration and anger.
• Be involved in your child’s school and other activities.
• Decrease the violence at home
• Teach and model taking responsibility for your actions
• Teach empathy, respect and compassion-teach your child to prefer others over themselves

None of us want our child labeled as a bully. If you see signs that your child has some of the common character/behavior traits of a bully work with your child to make changes so that it never reaches the point where you get that call to the principal’s office.

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Parents, your primary job is to listen. If at all possible, record your child telling his account the first time he tells it to you. I have a friend who does guardian ad-litem work and she has told me that in many states a child is only allowed to tell their story 3 times. After the third time the legal system feels a child’s story could be embellished by input received from parents, teachers etc. Even if you don’t think this will become a legal matter it is in your child’s best interest to record their story-especially if there has been physical harm. Listen to your child’s complete story and gather the facts. Try not to interrupt them while they are sharing and take what they are telling you seriously. If the incident took place on school grounds you need to notify the principal and if it happened on the way to or from school the bully’s parents need to be informed. Most schools have a zero bullying policy and that policy outlines the steps that are taken to resolve the problem.

Once a child has been bullied, he often doesn’t want to return to the place where it happened. Here are some tips to teach your child so he knows what to do to lessen the chances of being bullied.

• Tell an adult you trust. A parent, teacher, coach etc. If you’re afraid to talk to an adult-take a friend with you.
• Stay in a group. Bullies don’t usually attack a group of people. Never walk to or from school alone. Play with others on the playground. Don’t be alone.
• If a bully confronts you-walk away and act confident. Even if you are feeling scared walk tall with your head up. Bullies are less likely to bother confident kids.
• Hold your anger. No matter what the bully says or does, hold your anger.
• Don’t get physical. Avoid fighting at all costs.
• Avoid places where bullying happens-an out of the way corner of the playground, an empty lot, a stairwell.
• If you ride the school bus-sit near the driver.
• Make sure you’re not alone in the school bathroom or locker room.

Unfortunately, no matter how your child responds, they may still be a victim of bullying. Be there for your child, this isn’t the kind of thing they get over right away. They need your love and assurance as they deal with what they have been through. Make sure you are active in the school and keep tabs on what steps are being taken to assure the safety of your child and every child in that school. Dealing with bullying is one of the hard situations many parents have to deal with. Remember that healing your child’s emotions begins when you truly listen to and support your child.

There are two more installments in this series on bullies: What to Do if Your Child is a Bully and Cyberbullying.

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• Talk with and listen to your children every day. This sounds simple but with our busy lives it isn’t always as easy as it seems. Carving out a few minutes every day to focus on each child and what is going on in their life has multiple benefits. Learning about their social relationships in school, on the playground, walking to and from school, in after school programs etc. helps your child know you are interested in their lives and you care what happens to them. These daily talks keep open the lines of communication so that you can on occasion steer the conversation to the topic of bullies and what to do if they see someone being bullied, if they are being bullied or if they are a bully. More than half of the children who are victims of bullying don’t tell their parent’s because they don’t feel comfortable talking to them! That is a tragic statistic.

• Teach your child to be polite and respectful of other people and their belongings. Good manners are important everywhere. Many researchers believe that when students are taught to be respectful of others, even if they are different, the incidents of bullying decrease.

• Set a positive example for your children. Your manner of speaking and tone of voice greatly influence your child. When you are at a restaurant and the waiter brings you the wrong food do you calmly explain the problem to the waiter or do you belittle him? When you are out shopping and you see someone who looks or dresses different from you do you make some rude comment or just go on with what you are doing? Unfortunately, often times bullying behaviors and attitudes are learned from parents or caregivers.

• Volunteer at Your Child’s School. If you can volunteer even an hour a week at your child’s school you will be able to gain insight into the atmosphere of the school. Parents who only go to their child’s school for parent’s night don’t get the true feel of the school’s atmosphere. If you are able to volunteer during recess time that is even better. Statistics show that 2/3 of bullying at school happens during unstructured times such as lunch and recess when there are fewer adults overseeing a larger number of children.

• Visit your child at school during lunch time and recess time. If you can’t volunteer then at least visit regularly. Most schools in our area allow parents to come and eat lunch with their children once a week. See if your employer will let you take your lunch break so it coincides with your child’s. You need to witness first hand the social interactions of your children.

• Explain to your child the difference between tattling and reporting. This can be difficult, especially in young children. Tattling is often gossipy and the truth is sometimes embellished so that someone else gets in trouble. Reporting is stating the facts to an adult about someone who has been victimized.

Bullying is not a normal part of growing up. Do not accept as normal behavior. Be proactive and help your child be safe and protected.
To link to the previous post in this series What is Bullying?

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Sometimes as parents, we aren’t sure if our child is being bullied or if it is just kids being kids. A basic definition of bullying states, “Bullying is the use of one’s strength or status to intimidate, injure or humiliate another person of lesser status.” Bullying falls into three categories of behaviors; physical, verbal and social. Physical bullying includes hitting, kicking, any activity that is a physical assault or the threat of physical violence. Verbal bullying includes, name calling, insulting, or teasing. Social bullying includes peer rejection, exclusion to isolate or humiliate the victim, gossiping about the victim, and making prejudice comments. A bully’s acts are usually intentional and often repeated.

Who bullies? People who bully often have domineering and controlling personalities. They are quick to anger and usually have low self-esteem. Both boys and girls can be bullies. People who bully often have a need to dominate another person.

Continued bullying can have long-term effects on both the bully and the victim. 60% of young men who were bullies in middle school had at least one criminal conviction by the age of 24. We must put and end to this trend. Children who are victims of bullying may see their grades slack off, begin self-injurious behavior and even commit suicide. On any given school day in the United States 160,000 children stay home from school because they fear bullies.

Later in this series we will discuss a proactive approach to bullying, what to do if your child is being bullied, and what to do if your child is a bully. This is a serious topic and it needs to be addressed. I want to thank @polkadotpatch on twitter for suggesting I write about bullying.

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