Recently on Twitter I asked what parenting topics parents would like to see me cover here at Mom Maven. I received several answers. One was bullying which I covered in a series of posts last month. One topic was parenting teens, specifically teen boys. As the mom of two teen boys, and someone who has worked in youth ministry for 23 years, this should be easy. Well, it isn’t.

The most successful parents realize that parenting is a process that begins at birth and continues throughout life. The process changes as the child grows from infancy to childhood to teenager to adult but, the process continues. To address parenting teens out of the context of the process is difficult-but not impossible.

First, I need to state that every child is different. Just because Bob was able to handle certain things at age 15 doesn’t mean Steve can. You cannot cookie cutter parent and expect the same results with each child. Parenting takes work, dedication and communication. In its simplest form, parenting is about boundaries and freedoms. In a perfect world a toddler has a lot of boundaries and few freedoms while a 17 year old has fewer boundaries and more freedoms. That being said, one of the most often asked questions is “How much freedom and at what age?” There is no single right answer to that question. If there was parenting would be simple. You would get a list of ages and freedoms before you leave the hospital with your newborn and you would just check things off the list at each birthday.

What freedoms you give your teen need to be weighed against that child’s maturity-emotionally, physically, morally and spiritually. Just because the state you live in says your child can get his drivers license the day he turns 16 doesn’t mean he is ready for that responsibility. As old as the “But all my friends are doing it/I’m not the parent of all your friends.” argument has been around, parents have had to step up and make the tough decisions. Teens who are responsible in the small things get more freedom and responsibility.

We as parents need to remember that even though teens cry for freedoms they really long for boundaries. Boundaries keep us safe and protected. Boundaries can’t be arbitrary though. Teens understand reason and most teens respect their parents more when there is open communication and explanation about the why’s of rules and boundaries. I have always explained the why’s to my kids. They learn to appreciate your boundaries and eventually how to set their own boundaries when they understand why. One of the goals of parenting is to help our kids learn to create their own boundaries. When Bob goes to a friend’s house and the friend grabs a few beers from the fridge is Bob going to succumb to peer pressure, or his he going to know what to do because he has reached a boundary? If Bob is my son the goal here would be to say “No thank-you, you shouldn’t be doing that either.” If the friend persists then Bob will leave or call for a ride home.

Parenting isn’t about give and take, it is about training children to become responsible, productive citizens. It doesn’t happen overnight-it takes a lifetime. No kid is perfect-no parent is perfect. I don’t claim to have all the answers, I have spent many an hour on my knees praying for God to give me wisdom in raising my boys. I have also read books, taken classes and observed those around me. If this overview has sparked more specific questions please leave me a comment and ask that question. This topic could go in a million directions but I want my posts to be relevant to your life. If I don’t know how to answer you, I will find someone who does and let them help you. I look forward to hearing from you.

Recently a mom asked me about how to teach her teenage daughter what was and wasn’t appropriate behavior. This was a difficult question for me. Honestly, my first answer would be if they don’t understand right and wrong and moral absolutes by the time they are a teen it is much harder to teach them now than it is if they are raised learning these things. She and her daughter had been discussing the fact that kids were sending illicit photos via text messages and her daughter didn’t think that was at all wrong because, “Everyone did it.”

There is hope but it will take work, planning and follow-through. Kid’s behavior changes for the positive when they understand the “why” behind the rule. Take the time to sit down parents and teens together and talk about what is and isn’t appropriate behavior and why it is or isn’t. Discuss things like-Anything that is said or done to purposely hurt another person physically or emotionally is not acceptable. I always take these discussions and point back to God’s Word. Scripture tells us what is and isn’t appropriate behavior-it also tells us the consequences for our behavior. I’ve listed a few ideas here:

1. Work hard and do your best, don’t procrastinate. Proverbs 14:23 NIV “All hard work brings a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty.”

2. Take care of your body. Do not use cigarettes, drugs or alcohol. 1 Corinthians 6:19a NIV “Do you not know that your body is temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you.”

3. Respect the authorities in your life. Parents, pastors, teachers etc. Obey them and do what you are asked. Romans 13:1-3 NIV ” ¹Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. ²Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. ³For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and he will commend you.”

Use these as a staring place to discuss actions and consequences. I suggest working as a family to create a teen behavior contract. On this contract list offenses and consequences. Kids crave boundaries and often once they know what is expected of them they thrive. Create it together with your teen, allow them to have a voice. When it is complete-type it up have the teen(s) and the parents sign the document and then make photocopies so everyone involved has their own copy as a reminder of the agreement.

Don’t let this discussion end with the contract though. Use this time and the contract as a springboard for conversations about behavior, consequences and rising above the tide of disrespect for others that is so prevalent in our society. What do you think about this topic? What would you tell this mother? Please leave a comment and let me know.

When a teen gets their drivers license it is a huge rite of passage in their lives, and a new source of concern for their parents. As a mom of a 16yo boy, I know this all too well. My son doesn’t have his license yet but he has had his learner’s permit for over a year. He can’t get his license until he has a job and can pay for his insurance. Aaron has had 3 driving instructors, myself, my father and my mother-in-law and I believe he is a very responsible driver.

Aaron driving the Beemer.

With summer revving its engine, classes ending and summer jobs starting, it’s a great time of year for teenagers.

However, between driving to work, taking road trips and joyriding without care, teens are on the road a lot more in the summer months. It is no surprise, then, that data from the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration shows an annual spike in traffic accidents, injuries and deaths among young people in the 100 days between Memorial Day and Labor Day.

As teens start cruising around this summer, it is important for parents to remind them how to stay safe behind the wheel.  Below are a few quick tips for parents of teen drivers from http://www.thinkbeforeyoudrive.org.

Create a driving contract for your teen, and be prepared to stick to it. A driving contract is a great way to let teens know that driving is both a privilege and a serious responsibility. It also establishes clear expectations about driving for your teen: always wear a seat belt, never get into a vehicle with someone who’s been drinking, etc. A customizable contract template is available at http://www.thinkbeforeyoudrive.org .

Choose an ICE contact. All drivers should designate an emergency contact in the address book of their cell phones under the name “ICE” – In Case of Emergency. Emergency workers in many towns check for an ICE contact in cell phones.

Set a good example. Practice what you preach. When parents run red and yellow lights, speed down the highway at 75 miles per hour, weave in and out of traffic, ride the bumper of the car in front of them and exhibit signs of road rage, they are telling teens that rules don’t count – and this can be fatal. Be a role model for your teen.

ThinkBeforeYouDrive.org has some great videos in their Driving 101 area and an online Road Test too. Aaron and I checked out the site and it was interesting and informative.

A few teen driver tasks from The Mom Maven’s Homeschool Driver’s Education files. In addition to safety and driving evaluations:

• Teen driver must demonstrate how to check tire pressure and inflate tire
• Teen driver must demonstrate how to change a tire
• Teen driver must demonstrate how to check the oil
• Teen driver and parents must create a driving contract

Driving is a privilege, not a right. Anyone who cannot follow the rules of the road should have their driving privileges suspended until they are mature enough to handle the responsibility.

Check out ThinkBeforeYouDrive.org and Drive safe!

What rules have you set up for your teen driver? Please share them in the comments so we can all learn together.

Two weeks ago I was invited to be a part of a mom blogger panel that interacted with John Walsh of America’s Most Wanted and some of the teens who were a part of the Teen Summit on Internet & Wireless Safety presented by Cox Communications. I consider myself a very tech savvy mom and we have rather strict rules in our home about the Internet, television and texting. I have seen teens in our circle of friends who have rung up cell phone bills in the thousands of dollars and their parents say it is uncontrollable. My son was a victim of cyber-bullying, we know what is out there. I was glad to take part in this discussion with Mr Walsh and the phenomenal teens who were part of the summit.

If I were to summarize the information shared in this conference call as to what we as parents can do it is this-Communication. We must have open communication with our children. They must trust us and know that we have their best interest at heart. They must not fear coming to us with anything that concerns them. They need to know we have their back. Kids also need to know where the line is and that if that line is crossed-there will be consequences. Parents who do not follow through with consequences may as well not set any rules and allow anarchy to reign at all times.

from the  Teen Summit on Internet & Wireless Safety presented by Cox Communications

Want to improve the lines of communication with your children? These ten tips will help you get started immediately.

1. Listen

Listen to what your child is expressing and try to understand what’s going on with them internally. Don’t make assumptions.

2. Don’t Interrogate

Ask open-ended questions but avoid excessive questioning. Use general conversation starters like “How is it going?” or “What’s going on?” and then be silent. Most kids will tell you what you want to know if they don’t feel bombarded.

3. Be Honest

Practice honesty and respect. If a child asks something and you don’t know the answer, be honest. Say you don’t know and then find out. Conversely, if you do something inappropriate or make a mistake, be willing to apologize and admit it.

4. Keep Calm

Avoid yelling, making threats or using “labels” to describe your child or their friends.

5. Skip the Lecture

Don’t lecture your child or repeat the same thing constantly. Those tactics usually cause kids to tune you out.

6. Pay Attention

When your teen is talking, give them your complete focus. Stop whatever else you are doing and use eye contact.

7. Be Gentle

Avoid power struggles. You might hold the power, but you lose ultimately when you break your kid’s spirit.

8. No Judgements

Express your opinions without being judgmental. Remember to be concise so your comments don’t turn into a lecture.

9. Use Positive Reinforcement

Don’t dwell on your child’s mistakes. Focus on their accomplishments to demonstrate support and build self-esteem.

10. Take a Walk

Create situations that allow you to communicate with your kids. Whether it’s riding together in the car without playing the radio, running errands together or taking a walk after dinner, this one-on-one time will strengthen your relationship.

If you do not have a good relationship with your teens/tweens that is the place to start. The saying goes “They don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” is very true. Take some time over the next week to get to know your teen/tween, get on their level. At first don’t talk about the issues that divide you, focus on building them up. Talk about what they like, what they are good at. In my 20+ years of working with youth I see so many parents that don’t even know their kids, and it is sad.  Yes, it takes time, parenting takes time. The benefits of taking the time to get to know and build up your kids are huge.

Spend time with you teen this week. In the next few weeks we will talk about television and the media, cell phones-texting and sexting, social media and more.

Ever feel like you don’t understand your teen?
Maybe you are a new teen parent and just need some guidance how to handle this new territory.
I’ve found a good and quick reading report by Aurelia Williams to help you.
Download it here for free.

My sons are now 14 and 16 and starting 10th and 12th grade. They share a small 10×10′ bedroom and let me tell you it is tight in there. The last time we overhauled their bedroom was in April of 2004. It was actually a lot of fun. The boys went away on a 3 day camping trip with Royal Rangers and hubby and I did a “While You Were Out” makeover. We painted the walls and even built bunk beds. Yes, I did say built, I found plans for super sturdy bunk beds online, downloaded the plans and built the bed. The room has a NASCAR theme.

Here are some “then” photos:

Now fast forward 5 years and my boys look like this:

When I heard that Walmart is working with Dr Mommy, Military_Mom,CraftyMamaof4,OrganizewithSandy and others to give away $500 Walmart gift cards to be used on Walmart’s Your Zone teen products I knew we needed to enter this contest. I gave my Creative Vado HD to my 16yo videographer and told him to make the video portion of our entry. Here is what he did.
Jordan is all about anything with orange in it so this is the comforter set he has chosen for the top bunk.
Aaron is less picky and just wants a “teen” room so he has chosen this comforter. I like how everything coordinates!

I have worked with teens for almost 30 years. I have been a youth leader, mentor, teacher, friend and a lot of other things to the teens in my life every since I graduated high school. 14-18 year olds are my favorite ages to work with. At that age the kids are really figuring out who they are and what God created them to do. They aren’t afraid to dream to big and try new things.

Chicken Soup for the Soul recently published “Extraordinary Teens” which is filled with stories from over 50 amazing teenagers and young adults. Some of them are famous like Brenda Song, Donald Trump, Jr. and Anna Kournikova. Many are names you have never heard of like Desiree Amadeo, Margaret Lewis and Trevor Schulte. Each story is inspiring in its own way and no two stories are the same. There is even the story on page 221 of someone I follow on Twitter @PencilBugs. He is an amazing young entrepreneur who started his business at age 9!

I am thinking about requiring my teenaged sons to read this book. I’m sure it will challenge them to overcome obstacles, think outside of the box and take a stand for what they feel is important.  If you would like a copy of Chicken Soup for the Soul: Extraordinary Teens you can click on the link to order or you can enter to win a copy! I will be giving away 2 copies of Chicken Soup for the Soul: Extraordinary Teens.

Mandatory 1st Entry Leave me a comment telling me about an inspirational teen that you know.

Bonus Entries

• Leave a comment on another (non-giveaway) post on my blog and tell me where you commented. You can do this up to 5 times on 5 different posts.
• Tweet this “@MomMaven is giving away Chicken Soup For the Soul:Extraordinary Teens. You can enter to win it too! http://bit.ly/hsr9g #giveaway” you can do this 3 times a day. Leave the tweet URL in the comment.
• If you haven’t done so already check out the new Purex 3-in-1 Laundry Sheets, and leave me a comment that you did this. This link is trackable so I will know if you really did it or not.

Good Luck! This giveaway is open to US residents only and will end 9/2/09 at 10:15pm.

Texting is not just for kids anymore as more and more parents are climbing out of the dark ages and embracing the communication method of the future. This ‘new generation’ of texters may pride themselves on finally catching up to the 21st century, but they still have a lot to learn before their texting forefathers (i.e. their kids) will fully accept them into their texting community.

Below are a few helpful tips from Predicto Mobile , the leading online and text message based survey company, for parents looking to successfully integrate into the texting community:

1) Learn the lingo: There are pre-established acronyms like LOL, TTYL and BRB. Not every sentence is meant to be written using only the first letter of every word.

2) Don’t invade their tech space: Don’t text your kids until they text you, otherwise your kids will think you’re a poseur.

3) Use but don’t abuse: Don’t be the next of victim of text addiction.

4) Make it all inclusive: Make sure you have an all inclusive rate plan so you aren’t like “OMG” when your cell phone bill arrives

5) Just Say No: “Sexting” is inappropriate at any age

6) Don’t text and drive: Texting accidents are becoming increasingly common. Recent studies have shown that drivers who text are four times as likely to crash.

“Texting is an appealing way for parents to reach their kids while simultaneously boosting their “coolness” factor,” says Eyal Yechazkell, CEO of Predicto Mobile. “But parents also need to be careful they don’t over do it. Kids are pretty astute and can sense when their parents are trying too hard.”

October 18-24 is Teen Driving Safety Week. As the mom of a 16 year old son, teen driving safety is a common topic of discussion around our house. My friends at ThinkBeforeYouDrive.org have some easy tips for you to share with your teen drivers to help them be safe drivers.

“Would you do it in the shower?” Ask yourself this question every time you start an activity behind the wheel. Would you eat, text, talk on the phone or change a CD in the shower? Then you probably shouldn’t be doing it behind the wheel either, right?!

Know Point B. You should have a good idea of how to get to your destination before revving up the engine. There’s nothing more distracting than trying to follow directions when you’re driving down the freeway. Make sure to check weather and road conditions as well.

Manage your time so that you do not have to multi-task or drive aggressively on the road.

Save your concentration for the road, not a conversation. The road is not the place to have a serious conversation with your passengers. Check your emotions at the door as well.

Drive Safe!

The consequences last longer than the party.  This is the message of It’s 21. Just Pass, a new initiative from the Wine & Spirits Wholesalers of America, the National Football League Players Association and Discovery Education. Launched in 21 cities nationwide, It’s 21. Just Pass challenges high school students to learn the risks of underage drinking, test their knowledge and win amazing prizes.